Relationships and Happiness

I'm currently in the middle of ending a long-term relationship and it has caused me to do a lot of reflection on things. Reflection on myself and my history of relationships mostly. Here is whatever wisdom I can share based on my own experience. Take it for what it's worth.

The goal of any relationship should be happiness. Shouldn't it? I mean that's why we get into relationships with people in the first place - because that person makes us happy. Whether we stay in that relationship or not depends a lot on ourselves. People have a natural tendency to become complacent as time goes on. This is true of just about anything. But relationships in particular.

Relationships can be like a fine wine. With the right ingredients they can get better and better with age. Once you get past the "puppy love" at the start and really get to know each other you can develop a comfort with each other that can be really fulfilling. It's an awesome thing to wake up next to someone and feel totally comfortable with them. To be crazy about them and know that they are crazy about you as well. To completely trust them and for them to completely trust you. So many times relationships are over before ever even experiencing these things. They start out hot and heavy and then fade once the initial newness wears off until eventually someone (or both parties) moves on.

It takes some effort to get to that point and it takes some amount continual effort to maintain it. But the rewards are worth many times the effort it takes. Think about it. How awesome is it to not be single. To be with someone. To be truly happy with them. To know they are happy with you. Think of how the confidence that comes with that can pour into other areas of your life.

I can look back on my past and see the mistakes I made on my part... and the mistakes made by those I was with that ultimately led to the demise of the relationships in my past.

There are so many things that go into relationships I can't claim to know everything about them or what makes them tick. But I can say a few things that I know to be true.

A common problem with relationships anymore is one or even both parties becoming involved with someone else while in the relationship. Sometimes we go looking for it. Sometimes it kinda finds us. If you are of the mindset that you think you can do better than what you have. Good luck. I can tell you that 99 percent of the time you will be wrong about this. But sometimes people need to learn for themselves. I find that some people are addicts to the chase - addicted to that feeling of "getting" someone. They find and pursue someone until they get them - then when the newness wears off and they start to learn the "quirks" of the person they are with they realize they aren't so perfect and they begin looking for "something better." Maybe not blatantly looking - but their eyes are open. And of course, eventually they come across someone that seems so much better than what they have. So they pursue and eventually capture someone else and the cycle starts again. The grass is always greener - or so it seems. But it never is. Ever. That "perfectness" we see in that new person never lasts. It wasn't until my relationship with my wife that I really learned this to be true. That I could be happier by staying with someone instead of moving on. I was happier than I had ever been for some period of time. Granted things didn't work out with us in the end - mostly due to other issues that I won't spend time divulging here.... but that's really what led me to thinking about this stuff in the first place. The true reward is not in finding someone new - it's in keeping things new with the one you have. It honestly is. And often... after you've left someone for someone else only to find out a few months later that this new person - as awesome as they seemed - is actually worse off for you than what you had before. It may be too late to try and run back to the other person - you may have lost your one shot with them. And if you do get back with them on some off chance - what do you think things will be like after you left them for someone else?

Sometimes you aren't out looking for something new. Maybe you're happy with who you are with. But that doesn't mean you are immune to hooking up with someone who seems better than what you have. A lot of times this happens because we allow ourselves to become emotionally involved with someone of the opposite sex. Almost always this comes from spending lots of time talking or chatting with someone. People seem to be really clueless about how intimacy works and about how fast we can fall for someone simply by spending time talking to them on a regular basis. Sometimes it's someone we talk or hang out with at work, or maybe online, or maybe just a friend we chat with on the phone. If you get to a point where you are talking to a person of the opposite sex on a daily basis or even close to a daily basis you need to be aware that you are in a dangerous situation. Feelings can erupt and can erupt quite quickly. Maybe you're used to talking with them everyday and you really enjoy it and look forward to it. Maybe for whatever reason they are unavailable for a day or two and you really start to miss them and those feelings begin to come out. Maybe the person you are with at the time does something that pisses you off and maybe you haven't really been talking to them much lately to feel close to them. Suddenly that person you've been talking to sounds like a better option. This is how it goes. And good luck if that's how you start a relationship with someone.

Or... perhaps you come into contact with someone who is very attractive to you. It's natural to want to associate with people like that. But suppose that person shows interest - and suppose they happen to seem pretty cool as well. Well you can guess how things would probably turn out. You drop whoever you're with - cuz this person seems like the perfect match for you. The next thing you know they are leaving you for someone else and you're stuck with nothing. Either that or you figure out real quick that they aren't anything much of a good match for you. Either that or maybe down the road at some point you find an even more attractive person who seems even more awesome than this current person. Either way - it's almost always a bad situation. At least in my experience. You don't really ever want that to be how you start a relationship.

Here's my advice. If you're in a relationship, love who you are with. Decide for yourself if you want things to last with your relationship. If so, be smart about things. Understand how human emotions work. Understand how situations can turn out ahead of time and do your best to avoid them. Part of becoming really comfortable with your relationship is helping them to be trusting of you and be comfortable with you. Be aware of things you do that might not portray a sense of trust in who you are with. Remember - keeping the other person happy ultimately helps you. If they are happy they are more likely to want to make you happy. And that's the ultimate goal here isn't it?

So that's all I have to say at this point... I've made a lot of mistakes with relationships over the years. I've done EVERY one of things listed above - some of them several times. Through them all I learned a lot. But I learned the most from my relationship with my wife. Remember that all this is only what I've learned on my own. Take it or leave it. But there it is.